Transcript of CS#53: Danielle Bean Talks Mom To Mom Day To Day

Transcript of Interview with Danielle Bean about Mom to Mom Day to Day. This interview and others like it can be found at http://www.catholicspotlight.com

Listen Now to the audio version of the show.

Mom To Mom, Day To Day – Advice and Support for Catholic Living and
My Cup of Tea – Musings of a Catholic Mom are available at The Catholic Company.
http://www.catholiccompany.com/catholic-books/1004687/Mom-To-Mom-Day-To-Day-Advice-Support-Catholic-Living/
http://www.catholiccompany.com/catholic-books/1004360/My-Cup-Tea-Musings-Catholic-Mom/

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Chris Cash: And today in the spotlight we have Danielle Bean from DanielleBean.com, Danielle has a awesome book out right now, this is out Mother’s day show by the way we are going to be talking about mothering but we are also going to be talking about blogging and new media since Danielle is a great blogger. Daniellebean.com and she has also got a book out called Mom to Mom Day to Day which is practical advice for mothers since Danielle you have a lot of experience as a mother don’t you.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, I’ve got my share of experience. I have eight kids.

Chris Cash: That is just a little bit of experience I think, but it is great to have you on here Danielle.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, thanks Chris.

Chris Cash: Well before we get into talking about the book itself I wanted to talk about new media just a little bit because guess what folks there is an incredible new conference that is going to be in Atlanta in June, June the 22nd and I have a little plug here from the conference coordinator to play for you. Talking to us spotlight listeners directly, here you go.

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Chris Cash: I can’t remember if he actually said this, but the key word here is free. Free conference, all you’ve got to do is get to Atlanta June 22nd, it is a Sunday right after the Atlanta Eucharistic congress and I am planning on being there, Danielle do you think you are going to make it.

Danielle Bean: I am going to see what I can do about getting there it takes a little bit of coordination on my part but let me see what I can do.

Chris Cash: But certainly any of you out there who are fans of podcasting, blogging any type of internet new media in the catholic realm I think that there is going to be a lot of big names there to visit with, to get a chance to meet face to face with all of your favorite bloggers and podcasters. It is a very unique opportunity and hopefully it will be something that will be available many years into the future here.

Danielle Bean: That sounds great.

Chris Cash: Danielle do you, you I believe are quite a fan of blogs and podcasts as well right?

Danielle Bean: Yes, I am actually I read many blogs and catholic ones and non catholic as well and different kinds of mom blogs and parenting blogs and I listen to podcasts when I can. I do that a little less frequently just because my life is not all that conducive to having an iPod in my ear but I do what I can.

Chris Cash: The kids won’t let you get away with that ah?

Danielle Bean: No, but I bribe myself out. I can listen to podcasts when I am working out or when I am cleaning the bathroom.

Chris Cash: Hey, that is kind of my theory on it. I at least, I throw in laundry and doing dishes into that mix as well. Or certainly if I am driving by myself which tends to be quite a bit. Alright can you tell us just a little bit about your personal blog and what you talk about there what kind of interesting things you have to share with your readership.

Danielle Bean: Really my blog is just, you know it’s really it’s a catholic mom blog. It is basically what we focus on are things of interest to catholic families. Families of all different sizes I happen to have a large family so sometimes we deal with large family topics but you know basically anything is fair game if catholic mom’s or dad’s are interested in it. If it affects family life, we have a once a week open forum that I call coffee talk on Tuesday mornings where mom’s can just log in and submit a question or make a comment or start a discussion. That’s been very popular, lots of mom’s like to have a little bit of discussion there once a week and at other times you know I will pose a question or just leave things open for comments. My day to day blog entries aren’t open to comments just because I have trouble keeping up with it all but I do try to keep a balance between discussion and just life sharing kind of posts.

Chris Cash: What your blog is actually a fairly popular blog in the catholic world. I think I was checking out your Technorati ratings and it was way above the majority of blogs out there that I have looked at.

Danielle Bean: Well I had some advantages. I was there kind of from the beginning. I mean I was blogging before I knew what a blog was, and I didn’t know what blogging was but I was doing it, and so I have been there, I think it has been almost four years now and just, the readership just kind of grows over time if you plug away at something and it has been – I have been fairly steady as far as keeping at it, and the readership has just grown as a result of that.

Chris Cash: Do you have any advice to someone out there who is considering starting a blog?

Danielle Bean: Yeah, I think that before somebody starts a blog, they really need to look at why they want to start a blog, and they need to keep that, that goal in mind. If they are an author if they want to be promoting a book, then they need to start their blog with that in mind and sort of keep their posts and their work on it geared towards that. But a lot of times moms will start a blog and they really just want to share. They really just want to sort be a community builder or just kind of seek support and offer support to other people and I think it is important to keep those goals in mind too, once you actually start blogging because there are lots of temptations and bad directions once you start a blog.

I mean it can be tempting to have too much tension, it can be tempting to get yourself into arguments with people and the unfortunate thing is all of these kinds of temptations that people succumb to happen in a public sphere. So people are watching while you are messing up your blog, or while you making these kinds of very public mistakes and you know I have fallen prey to some of these things myself and I have seen it happen many times with different kinds of personal blogs that people go into with one idea and it ends up becoming some entirely different, and you know I think that keeping in mind what you main goal was in the beginning and why you are spending time on this thing is ultimately important, just keeping yourself focused on why you are doing it in the first place.

Chris Cash: Now, do you have any advice also on how to create a readership to your blog since you have such a big readership yourself. Is there any strategy that you would suggest to someone starting out, that can help them?

Danielle Bean: Yeah, I get asked that a lot actually and I have a snarky comment that I always give back to people. I say, if you want people to read what you write you have to write something worth reading.

Chris Cash: I tell people the same thing.

Danielle Bean: Honestly, you know I get people that start a blog and they say, how do I get people to come to my blog and they haven’t really done anything there yet and I am not saying everybody has to be a fantastic writer but again you are getting back to the idea. You have to keep in mind what your goal is here, if you are really hoping to make difference in the universe if you hoping to contribute something meaningful to a human conversation then do that first. Or if ultimately you goal is you know giving greater glory to God through your talents and through your or through sharing your family life, keep that in mind, and at that point it doesn’t matter if one person reads or if ten thousand people read.

You’ve got, you are accomplishing your goal, if you are making a difference in somebody’s perspective or if you are sharing something of value. So I think just keeping in mind, thinking at least early on less about building your stats or getting the links or going around and commenting on a million different blogs just so they will click back to you and I find all of that really superficial and I think people should rather just focus on producing something of quality that people will want to visit. People will want to read.

Chris Cash: If you write something that is worth while to read you will eventually have a significant readership just by the fact that the search engines will pick up on things and eventually see that you are writing worthwhile things and yeah you mentioned the commenting on other people’s blogs thing. I totally agree with that, if you are just going to someone else blog for the sole purpose of getting a link back to your blog there, might as well not post because that is. If you are not, you’ve got to go into that other person’s blog and with an effort to make some substantial comment about what they are talking about, rather than with the sole and primary purpose being to get people to come back to your blog.

Danielle Bean: Right, I think there are.

Chris Cash: Because if you are part of the community if you are community player then people will want to know what you are saying.

Danielle Bean: Exactly right and you know just, there is just a real temptation there to egoism once somebody has built a blog of it have developed any kind of readership I think people can get way to involved and I’ve seen it happen to you know this sweet little catholic moms all of a sudden they build a little bit of a readership on their blog and they obsess about their stats and how many comments they get and they obsess about just having their blog and it is like their little name in lights and I think it is really – It is a sad thing to see, because blogs can be a real, real productive and healthy source of support for catholic moms, but then they can be a really destructive force in some people’s private lives and in their family lives if they are out of whack if they get too involved.

Chris Cash: Of course if you are thinking about becoming a blogger going to the catholic new media conference in Atlanta would be a great place to learn about some of the in and outs and get a real sound understanding of the basics of what goes on with both blogging and podcasting and becoming part of that community, because I will tell you that personal relationship and building a personal relationship with the other bloggers is going to be huge when it comes to getting other people to read and visit your blog as well.

Danielle Bean: That is right.

Chris Cash: So certainly anybody who is thinking about it go on down to Atlanta come meet with us and have a little fun, have a little prayer. There is going to be mass, it will be a great gathering all around, and with that, I am going to take a short break here to hear from our sponsors if that is alright with you Danielle.

Danielle Bean: Sure.

Chris Cash: Then we will come back and we are going to talk about mothering, now that we have finished talking about tech. We are going to talk about mothering and the great things that are in Danielle’s book. So this is the catholic spotlight.

We are back on the catholic spotlight with Danielle Bean author of Mom to Mom day to day and we are going to talk a little bit right now about mothering and the things that she talks about in her book. So Danielle do you want to tell us just how did this book come to be in the first place.

Danielle Bean: Well actually it was an extension of my blog in a way. I found that as my blog readership grew I was getting more and more questions from catholic moms and well not just catholic moms, moms of all kinds and I thought that I was getting a lot of the same questions over and over again and some of them I would answer on the blog and eventually I thought I should just put all these together in a book.

So that I can have a book to point people to when I start getting these questions and so it is really. The book is meant to be, it is not a typical advice book in that I am not standing on some mountain. You know queen of wisdom handing down these gems to my followers. It is supposed to be a sharing between moms and basically the idea behind the book is that a lot of times when we are seeking support and when we are feeling discouraged as moms all we really need. You don’t need some guru telling us exactly what to do and fixing all of our problems. We really just need somebody to tell us that they get it. That they felt that way too and maybe just give us a little bit of their experience and offer advice based on that and it is the kind of sharing that happens when moms get together or you know between sisters and between friends and you know between long distance phone calls to your old college roommate who now has kids herself. It is that kind of sharing and that kind of support and encouragement that is so important and so valuable to moms. So much more so than somebody just writing out exactly a plan for your life or a plan for your parenting. I think a lot of times we just need that encouragement and courage that we are on the right track and other people have been through the same kinds of difficult circumstances.

Chris Cash: Now, Danielle’s authority on this comes not just from the fact that she has eight children but she is also, I don’t think we mentioned this earlier the senior editor of Faith and Family magazine right.’

Danielle Bean: Right. So you know basically all the work that is dealing with catholic families so through the blog, through the magazine, through my daily life, I live this stuff and so I really feel like I am truly in touch with what catholic moms and catholic families need and what kinds of struggles that we all go through which is what lead to the basic structure of the book was I broke it up into different sections. There was the section on marriage, a section on small children. The section on you know finding time for your own spiritual life and you know through sharing my own experiences and some little fun stories here and there and that kind of thing, just kind of, I really want the feel for the book to be more like a chat and a conversation, a kind of back and forth from which you go away feeling empowered to take on your life.

Chris Cash: So from your vantage point what is the number one piece of advice that you could give to a new mom or a mom who is struggling with the fact that now they have more children to take care off and so forth.

Danielle Bean: Okay, well you know I would give different advice to new moms than I would to more experienced moms. I think they kind of have different needs there, but the one thing that I wrote about in the book and I was kind of writing about it tongue in cheek I was talking about parenting philosophies and I ended up saying that the only parenting philosophy that I subscribe to would be do what works best for your family and that was something that took me a while to come to realize. You know as a new mom I struggled a lot and I would read these books and these kinds of parenting experts and these authorities and I feel different ways that my life wasn’t matching up to what these expectations were and my parenting wasn’t matching up and it took me a while to come around to the idea that we all have different personalities we all have different talents, and strengths and we all have different circumstances and families and what works in one family beautifully will not necessarily work in your family beautifully. You’ve got to figure out. You know yes sure, poll the experts and see what they all have to say but in the end you’ve got to figure out works best for your family and by that I mean what is going to be bringing you and your family to a greater holiness on your way toward heaven, and a lot of times what you know is spewed out in the books is just generalized advice.

Those people don’t know anything about your life. You know about your life and you know what works in your life and you know your kids better than anybody. So I just, I am really big on empowering young mothers to make those kinds of decisions to have confidence in their mothering skills and make their mothering instincts and make those kinds of decisions that will be best for their families. So I would go with the kick that comes from not measuring up to some particular parenting philosophy.

Chris Cash: Now, based on the comments that you have gotten from people in your blog and through the magazine what area of mothering do you believe is the area that women most struggle with.

Danielle Bean: Well I think our generation of moms has a struggle because we’ve got something that I like to all feminist residue. Where the idea like a lot of us have grown up in the seventies and the early eighties and we’ve got this kind of feminist notion that just sort of saturates our culture that things like house work should be split fifty-fifty, parental duties should be split fifty-fifty and you are always sort of keeping in mind you don’t want to be taking advantage of by our husbands and we don’t want to you know. You don’t want to be victims of our circumstances even if we do make that decision to embrace that whole motherhood or even if we make the decision to you know stay home with your kids full time or to be parents in the first place.

I think we have the sort of struggle inside where we think okay I have embraced this and I want to be an at home mom, but then at the same time some part of us is feeling like this isn’t fair. This isn’t what I was meant to do, this isn’t fulfilling. We are kind of feeling this kind of angst about being pulled in different directions, even if we can honestly say that this is what we are choosing and this is what we want for ourselves and our families. We still sometimes have that inner struggle with selfishness or feeling like things aren’t fair because honestly the house work is never going to be split fifty-fifty and in a relationship, I said this in the book and it was a little bit controversial in the book.

In a relationship where the mother is at home full time, the house work should not be split fifty-fifty, it doesn’t make sense to have that kind of expectation of our marriages. We don’t have that kind of expectation out of other relationship in our lives. It is crazy to expect that out of our husbands.

Chris Cash: So, I have lost my train of thought now.

Danielle Bean: You’re thinking about how you can get out of cleaning the bathroom or something now?

Chris Cash: Oh, no, no actually because my wife and I both are home or work from home. We do tend to split a lot of things fifty-fifty but certainly I know we struggle and I am sure a lot of other people in this similar situation would still struggle because there is the expectation that the other person will do certain things and that they don’t realize or you don’t realize what all they are doing that you don’t see.

Danielle Bean: Exactly, there was this you know.

Chris Cash: So you know for instance my wife will have an expectation on me to be doing something but she doesn’t know how much time I put in today on balancing the check book because that is not something that she personally is involved with on a day to day basis.

Danielle Bean: Right it is difficult.

Chris Cash: Or, vice versa she does things that I don’t see and my expectations may have to be adjusted because of that as well.

Danielle Bean: Absolutely and you know I touch on that a little bit in the book where I say, when you keep score everybody loses and it is true sometimes in our relationship especially in our marriages we tend to keep score. Kind of keep track of how much we are putting in and how much we think the other person isn’t but you do have to keep in mind all those things that you are taking for granted and you know you get frustrated because you will see the things you are putting in but they are not noticing. Well you are absolutely right pointing out that there are things that they are putting in that you are noticing and really what ever happened to giving without counting the cost. Because I think so many of us are so busy counting the cost that we are really doing harm to our family relationships and when you set it up as this win lose and keeping score thing we are always going to lose.

Chris Cash: Well and there is also something to be said about, division of labor by the things that we are passionate about and or have competency in because for instance if it were to up me to send out thank you cards for Christmas gifts or wedding gifts or any number of that kind of thing or even planning parties for birthdays or different events to happen, entertainment events at the house. None of that would ever get done if I were in charge of it.

Danielle Bean: right.

Chris Cash: But on that same note, from my standpoint if it weren’t for my interest in making sure that the check book was balanced and certain things like that, those things would get pushed to the wayside as well. So there certainly has to be a good understanding of the balance between what each person is good at and has an aptitude toward.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, I think that is absolutely right and a big part of that is just communicating about those things and a lot of times I have found that in couples a person just wants to be recognized for what they are doing. It is not necessarily that you know that your wife wants to hand over the thank you note writing to you, because she knows you wouldn’t do a good job of it, but it is the fact that a person wants to be recognized.

Chris Cash: She would tell me my handwriting was lousy.

Danielle Bean: She knows that, she knows that, but you know I think a lot of times that what wives and husbands want is for the other person to say, hey I noticed you did that, I noticed you spent an hour an half writing out thank you notes, thank you for doing that because if it were up to me it would never happen. That kind of thing or hey thanks for going to the dump I don’t even know where it is. You know just say thank for the kinds of everyday contributions that your husband or wife is making.

Chris Cash: Especially if you come in and you notice that hey that yucky spot on the bathroom that both of you have been ignoring for the past two weeks is suddenly gone. That is an excellent time to go straight over and say thank you for cleaning that up I have been meaning to do that.

Danielle Bean: Right, yeah absolutely, I mean it is all these little things and it can be so easy because our lives get busy especially once you start having kids, to get lost in your everyday duties and those are the first things I find that go. Those little gestures and those little thank you’s and the little noticing things, but those are so important and they are all important to just keep doing on a daily basis and it doesn’t take my effort but it is amazing how quickly we will toss them out the window when other things distract us.

Chris Cash: Okay, so this is the mother’s day show. We’ve got, it going to be released about a week before mother’s day so for all of you here listening right before mother’s day. Do you have any advice on an awesome off the wall mother’s day offering to give to your spouse?

Danielle Bean: Oh, boy.

Chris Cash: Because we do have male listeners to you know.

Danielle Bean: Oh do you, wait is my husband listening no.

Chris Cash: I can put in a word for him to listen to this.

Danielle Bean: You know I really think that what most moms just crave for mother’s day is some kind of recognition I mean that is what it is all about. Like I was just saying some kind of appreciation and just seeing the, you know her husband if her kids aren’t old enough to do it themselves, has arranged for some kind of a recognition of that day. Because yeah, you can say okay well okay totally a Hallmark manufactured day and we are not going to notice it but tough luck guys, this day exists.

Chris Cash: Mother’s day has been around long before Hallmark I think.

Danielle Bean: Okay, good.

Chris Cash: I could be wrong but.

Danielle Bean: I don’t actually know the origins of it, but I have heard people reject it on the idea that is just commercialized and blah blah but you know what it not about the flowers and it is not about taking out to dinner it is about.

Chris Cash: It is commercialized believe it or not. Mother’s day is the second biggest gift giving holiday of the calendar year.

Danielle Bean: Right, I have heard that it is I think second only to Christmas for postage.

Chris Cash: For amount of money spent on gifts it is second only to Christmas.

Danielle Bean: I think we love our moms, but that said it is not about the money that you spend on gifts. I mean if somebody if there is a dad who you know has young children and he wants to recognize his wife on mother’s day. I mean it can be as easy as having the kids make cards and making sure that the day is focused on her and that she is not the one getting dinner and doing the dishes that day. I mean that will make the difference in the world. It doesn’t have to cost money, it is recognizing and appreciating who she is and what a valuable part of the family a mom is.

Chris Cash: So do you have any outstanding plans for yourself this mother’s day?

Danielle Bean: No, I haven’t thought about it, you know usually we do. We just do a family type of thing. Well you know we will go to mass and we will have some sort of like, usually it will end up being a cookout because that is the kind of cooking my husband does and you know just relaxed kind of at home day and that is all we want. I have no cravings for fancy brunches at restaurants, at least not with the gang we have. That would be more stress than it is worth at this point. I do have one.

Chris Cash: Yeah, I imagine one of those big expensive restaurant brunch type things would not go far with ten people having to.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, I would not enjoy any of it honestly. It would be a little too much for me, but I do have one girlfriend who made the outrageous suggestion to her husband one year that for mother’s day she wanted an empty house. She wanted him to take the kids so she could actually clean the house and she spent her mother’s day at home alone just cleaning her house top to bottom and she said it was the best gift ever, and so.

Chris Cash: Yeah, I mean if that is what you crave to be able.

Danielle Bean: Right exactly, I mean it struck me as odd because I would never ask for that.

Chris Cash: To have that clean house.

Danielle Bean: Right but for her that was what she felt like. You know what it has been years since I have been able to actually tackle this major house work because I always have kids underfoot and so spending her day that was the best mother’s day gift for her and I am sure she appreciated her husband for making it happen for her.

Chris Cash: So I think part of that advice there would be to try to get in tune really listen hard to what your wife is saying to you. Not just what you think she is saying to you or what you think she wants but listen to what she is really saying to you in the weeks and hopefully months before and after mother’s day.

Danielle Bean: Right.

Chris Cash: To try to focus in on what her real needs are and not just. Oh you brought me flowers they are beautiful, they are great. Or you know some new bling it is always awesome and appreciated but it may not be the real strong need and desire beneath the surface.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, absolutely, I think you’ve said something key there. You’ve got to listen more than just the week before mother’s day you’ve got to be in tune what her needs are.

Chris Cash: Of course if you are bad like me, you are thinking right now. Oh man it is a week before mother’s day what am I going to do?

Danielle Bean: Oh trust me you are not alone there. There are many guys who are having a wake up call right now. So that is good.

Chris Cash: Actually to my slight credit I have been contemplating this. I am not going to tell you what I have been contemplating in case my wife is listening here but I have been contemplating this for about two or three months now. I just, but to my discredit I still haven’t gone out and done what I have been contemplating so.

Danielle Bean: Okay, sounds like you’ve been thinking about it, so you get bonus points.

Chris Cash: Only if she listens, which she usually doesn’t so.

Danielle Bean: Okay.

Chris Cash: But anyway you know certainly I still got to go and take action on that and I guess I have got about a week left now so everybody pray for me that I can find my way out to take care of my task. You got any good father’s day plans.

Danielle Bean: I have not thought that far ahead but I am going to start working on it right now.

Chris Cash: There you go and now you have got your warning, all of you moms out there. All of you who are out there who are much better at dates and keeping ahead of things, you wont need the warning but any of us who let dates creep up on us. Well it is about time to head out, do you have any final thing that you want to say to the listeners and about the book or about anything going on with faith and family or such.

Danielle Bean: Yeah, well I would encourage people. I mean the book makes a great mother’s day gift so for people who haven’t done that yet, it would be a good mother’s day gift and the magazine too, a subscription to faith and family would, it is geared towards catholic moms and so any catholic mom would be happy to have it. So but you know between the magazine and the book and you know different blogs I just want to encourage moms catholic moms and all different moms and families to seek out the kind of support that they need because  you know like it is being demonstrated with the new media conference. There are all kinds of different ways to find that kind of support, it is not just in books or magazines. You can find it in blogs and podcasts and just kind, seek out the community and the support that you need to do your job well and to fully embrace your vocation and find the joy that you are meant to find in it.

Chris Cash: You know I was just thinking off the wall idea here. Maybe you go out get your wife an iPod assuming that she has some inkling toward that kind of thing I wouldn’t suggest this if there was no inkling in that direction but get them an iPod and take the time to load it up with the types of shows that you think that she would enjoy. The types of shows the types of music, podcasts, either on you know if she is into mothering or catholic things you know. Podcasts like Catholic Moment or this one or some other mom type podcasts or whatever her interests are. Load it up with a bunch of podcasts on that, and present that to her. I mean that is a meaningful thoughtful present rather than just bringing in something from the store that hasn’t had any thought put behind it.

Danielle Bean: Yeah you are right. That is a great idea.

Chris Cash: Well anyway Danielle it has been a real pleasure to have you on the show. Everybody remember go check out Mom to Mom day to day Daniellebean.com and faith and family magazine they are all excellent publications and are worthy of having a look at. Danielle it’s been great.

Danielle Bean: Thank you Chris.

Chris Cash: You have a great day and God bless.
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Transcript of Interview with Danielle Bean about Mom to Mom Day to Day. This interview and others like it can be found at http://www.catholicspotlight.com

Listen Now to the audio version of the show.

Mom To Mom, Day To Day – Advice and Support for Catholic Living and
My Cup of Tea – Musings of a Catholic Mom are available at The Catholic Company.
http://www.catholiccompany.com/catholic-books/1004687/Mom-To-Mom-Day-To-Day-Advice-Support-Catholic-Living/
http://www.catholiccompany.com/catholic-books/1004360/My-Cup-Tea-Musings-Catholic-Mom/